1. BRYONY PAGE
Interviewer and interviewee back in 2018
My efforts to raise mental health awareness by sharing personal experiences and undertaking various “challenges” had lasted almost seven years. Whilst the time was right to take a step back, I am still aware of a desire, almost a need to keep showing that it’s fine to talk about difficult subjects, both in the hope that just one person might find the strength to open up if they are struggling, but also from a slightly selfish point of view to have a focus that will help me manage my own condition in these unprecedented times.
To that end, I decided to combine passions for mental health, writing and women’s sport to see if I could carry out a series of interviews with people who have been or are involved in elite women’s sport - the stories, the memories, the highs and lows; and of course the mental aspects of a life in sport. This is the first of hopefully 20 or so articles from November 2020 through to the end of 2021; I hope you will enjoy reading them…
Ever since I was a child, I have been fascinated by the Olympic Games; the variety of events, the athletes, the stories. From watching my parents’ grainy black and white television set and seeing David Hemery race to 400 metre hurdle gold in Mexico City in 1968, I was hooked; and that sense of wonder at the sporting brilliance on show has never really left me.
For reasons that need no elaboration, the most recent Games took place in Rio back in 2016, and for me, there were two moments in particular that stood out … and also reduced me to tears (and both still do if the truth be told).
The first was the gold medal won by the ladies hockey squad. Pure sporting theatre that ended in the most dramatic way, as Holly Webb found the net to win the shoot-out against the Netherlands and spark some truly amazing celebrations. The other was Bryony Page’s silver medal in the trampoline, a sport about which I knew very little; but the event was simply captivating as Bryony produced one of the performances of her life, followed by such an outpouring of emotion as first a bronze, then silver medal was assured, that I was little more than a wimpering wreck in front of my now much less grainy flat screen colour television.
Meeting a medallist from the Rio Olympics was one of the challenges I mentioned earlier. To be fair, there were plenty of people from which to choose, as Team GB enjoyed a hugely successful Games; but having been lucky enough to have already met four members of the hockey squad in 2014, Bryony was the name right at the top of the list…
I wrote to British Gymnastics more in hope than expectation, but I not only received a personal reply from Bryony; she also agreed to meet up. That meeting eventually took place in Sheffield during January 2018. Bryony was fantastic company; and I was so pleased when Bryony agreed to catch up again, and for our conversation to form the basis for what follows.
The first port of call just had to be Rio.
Having qualified for the final (alongside her Team GB team mate Kat Driscoll), Bryony, who was 25 at the time, walked out into the packed arena, knowing that she would have roughly 20 seconds to showcase years of training. That kind of pressure is something most people never get to experience, but how did Bryony manage her feelings in such unique circumstances.
“I must say that in Rio, I was the strongest mentally that I’ve ever been for a competition,” she explained, “and physically and technically too. You train to peak for an Olympic Games, so once I was actually there, things felt a lot easier and on the few occasions when my mind started to wander and I had those kinds of thoughts, I was able recognise what was happening, refocus and move on. It’s certainly something that has happened before though, and whenever I begin to feel the pressure, I’d try to concentrate on the technical side of my performance, and how I wanted my routine to feel on the trampoline.”
I could understand how particular techniques would work in certain situations, but this was an Olympic final … quite simply the pinnacle for any athlete in any sport; so presumably natural mental strength had been somehow reinforced and developed?
“Absolutely. I have psychological support; we work through the mental aspects of the performance, and the technical coach is also able to help with the mental side of the sport too.
“When I was younger I didn’t have that kind of training or support; basically, it was the coach’s responsibility to make sure the athletes were ready to compete, but for me I’ve always loved trampolining and entering competitions; it’s the place where I can show off everything I’ve been doing in training. So as long as training’s been going well and I feel ready, the competition gives me something to challenge and strive for … especially if there’s an audience; I really enjoy that side of things!
“As a senior athlete, that psychological support is really important though. I am a funded athlete, and as such I have to hit high-enough scores to be selected for certain competitions, or be better than I was last year to keep progressing and secure that ongoing financial support, and all the sport-specific support we get from being on the Great Britain Trampoline programme, including a sports psychologist. That is a completely different kind of pressure, but something I needed to deal with, because in Rio, everything was geared up to producing my best performance. So really, whilst obviously being the pinnacle of our sport, the Olympics presented a unique set of challenges, I honestly think it’s fair to say that for me, the real pressure was all in the qualifying competitions before the Games, because I had such an intense desire to compete at an Olympics.”
It was fascinating to hear that there was actually an underlying level of excitement at the prospect of performing in front of such a massive worldwide audience. Did that present a different challenge; controlling or balancing that anticipation with the importance of staying disciplined and focussing on the best possible execution?
“Yes, I definitely had to hold back on my emotions after walking out into the arena in Rio. What I really wanted to do was experience the Olympics, be in the moment, take in the crowd and the he fact I was at an Olympic Games; so I had prepared to allow myself to be able to rein in any emotion and focus when I needed to. I’d decided beforehand how long I’d have to prepare for the competition, which was essentially just a few moments before it was my turn to compete. I’d qualified seventh and the final is in reverse order so I was actually second to perform.
“Because we recognised the first target was to reach the final, I knew I’d enjoy the final more, because the worst you can finish is eighth; and you have to give absolutely everything you can to fight for the top three. The prelim is all about doing your routine well enough to make the final; but then it’s about giving your very best, which I actually find a lot easier.
“So marching out it was: ‘Wow, I’m becoming an Olympian, this is an amazing experience, I’m here, I’ve made it’; but as soon as I’m on the trampoline, I knew I’d be totally ready to present and start jumping. It’s just excitement, pride, and pretty much every emotion you can imagine, but they were all feelings I had to contain, and I suppose that’s why there was such a release afterwards. I’d done everything I could and I was finally able to let go of everything I’d been holding in.”
Bryony’s performance was rewarded with a score of 56.040, a combination of points awarded for difficulty, execution and flight. Her score was far better than the Georgian athlete who had opened the final, the next girl unfortunately fell, and Britain’s Kat Driscoll was unable to challenge the lead. The first of two Chinese competitors was half a point behind Bryony, before Canada’s reigning Olympic champion Rosie MacLennan’s superb routine saw her take the lead.
Bryony was now in the silver medal position, with only two left to jump: Li Dan of China, and Tatsiana Piatrenia from Belarus, who had qualified for the final second and first respectively; and the horrible possibility of finishing fourth was unsurprisingly very much at the forefront of Bryony’s thoughts – and she chuckled at the memory!
The commentators seemed to think Li Dan had possibly jumped herself into first place, but the score of 55.885, whilst good enough for bronze, meant that nothing could deny Bryony a podium finish.
Bryony Page was an Olympic medallist.
The television pictures captured the moment of realisation, and I don’t think I have the words to do justice to Bryony’s reaction. It must also be incredibly difficult to put such emotion, such happiness into words; but I asked Bryony anyway…
“It’s a one-off feeling,” Bryony admitted.
“I think in the last four years, there have only been two occasions when the reality of everything that happened in Rio has really sunk in to the point that I felt very emotional, just thinking that I’d managed to go to the Olympics and won a silver medal [Piatrenia finished fourth]. I’d put in all that hard work, accomplished everything I’d set out to achieve and had the chance to experience such a special moment. For the rest of the time, it’s almost felt like it happened to someone else, or it was a dream. I can have elements of those feelings and they’re still very strong, but I don’t think you could ever recreate how I felt in that moment; all those emotions, all at once, only ten times stronger than anything I’d ever felt before. I felt like the strength of my emotions was radiating out of me and filled the whole of the arena!”
In the years, leading up to Rio, Bryony had enjoyed plenty of success, including three consecutive British titles and team golds in European and World Championships. However, what made those achievements, and particularly the Olympic medal so remarkable, is that Bryony had fought a lengthy battle against a psychological condition called ‘Lost Move Syndrome’ – in short, the loss of the ability to perform skills or moves that would previously have been completed almost automatically.
When did Bryony realise that something wasn’t quite right?
“When I first began to experience symptoms, it would have been around 2007 to 2008, but it just lasted for so many years on and off; I think I got my final skills back somewhere around 2011 or 2013. I still deal with it on occasions, albeit on a much smaller scale and for only fleeting moments in comparison; but because I’ve gone through it, I’ve learned techniques to deal with any feelings or symptoms.
“It never disappears completely. I’ll have many sessions when everything’s fine and I don’t get that sense of not being able to take off; but every now and then something will trigger a memory. I pick up on it very quickly, I’ll be able to explain how I’m feeling, and I know it’ll be fine; but it’s just something that’s part of the sport … that element of fear.
“What you do on a trampoline is unnatural in many ways and can be quite scary and dangerous, and has to be done right and with confidence; so if in your mind, you can’t quite visualise the skill, or are doubting your ability, it’s then very difficult to take off for it!”
At this point, I told Bryony about my own experience as an amateur cricketer of nominal repute and ability. I’d been a reasonable schoolboy bowler, certainly pretty confident in my mid-teens and I was fortunate enough to be offered a trial for the North of England when I was around 17. Probably for the first time, I was amongst a group of talented players that I didn’t know; and at the initial net session, I ran up and my first ball hit the roof of the net. My second delivery bounced twice, and in those few moments, every ounce of self-belief and confidence disappeared. All I could think about was what if it happens again? Will I make a fool of myself? Will people laugh at me?
Bryony listened intently, quite a rare occurrence for of my cricketing stories; I would never suggest there was any comparison between our respective abilities, but there did seem to be some connection in the way, or the extent, that the mind could affect performance.
“What you are saying actually relates really well to what I went through with Lost Move Syndrome,” Bryony replied. “I suppose the doubt first crept in after I’d been training with some other athletes, juniors that were transitioning into the senior men’s programme. One of them said learning the ‘triff’ [triple somersault] had affected him to the point where he’d lost most of his other skills. My immediate thought was I don’t want to learn triples!
“So when it came to the point when learning triffs was the next progression in what I was doing on the trampoline, I remember saying no, no I don’t want to. Eventually we reached a point where I said I wanted to learn, but in the back of my mind, there was still that thought that triples would cause me to lose my skills.
“The first time something went wrong, not even with the triff, I instantly thought that I was starting to lose my skills. I’d make a little mistake and I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing on the trampoline – yet mistakes are always going to happen when you’re learning something new.
“I remember going to a schools competition, and my routine was going to include a half in rudi out pike…”
Obviously I knew exactly what the move entailed, but asked Bryony to explain – just for the article…
From her room at Lilleshall where she had been training, Bryony laughed: “Basically you do a half twist to face the other way, then go forwards two times, and on the last somersault you do one and a half twists to face back the way you started.”
Just how I remembered it…
“I had been working on this new skill, and this competition was a good place to introduce the move; but I found I was performing on a trampoline where it was quite hard to get height, and it went wrong. I took off and got completely lost where I was in the air, didn’t know how or where I was going to land; didn’t even know what skill I’d just done.
“It was in front of a crowd, out of my normal surroundings, with different coaches, and it’s quite obvious to anyone watching when someone doesn’t know where they are in the air; so there was a collective intake of breath from the crowd … which I heard. It was scary, because I thought if the crowd is making that noise, I must have done something really bad or dangerous.
“Looking back, it wasn’t dangerous, because my body knew how to save itself, but it was still scary.
“I couldn’t just leave it after the move had gone wrong though; I had to do it again. But the same thing happened.
“I replaced the skill with an easier one for the competition, but called my coach afterwards to say I felt I needed to get into the gym as soon as possible to complete the skill in training, in a safer environment, before I got too scared to try it again. I went in the gym and was able to do the move perfectly well, but what happened was that the mistakes and fear transferred to another skill, and then another; and it just became that spiral.
“At this point I was physically capable of doing the triples, but mentally I wasn’t even able to do a barani, which is a front somersault with a half twist. Just one somersault and one half twist … and I couldn’t do it. I just wouldn’t take off.
“So at first it was a fear of something going wrong, making a mistake and injuring myself; but eventually it got to the point that I feared failure, like you mentioned, scared of making a fool of yourself; and I’d feel ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself if I wasn’t able to take off for a skill. I was more scared about that happening than the skill itself.
“One part of your brain is saying ‘I’m going to take off’, but another part stops you. Your heart races and you feel so embarrassed – and that was in a safe training environment, so when it came to competitions, it was even harder.
“It sounds weird, but I can almost trace everything back to hearing a story.”
I wondered if the stress that must have been caused by the situation affected Bryony away from the trampoline.
“There were times I’d come back from training and my parents would ask how it went, and I’d have to say I couldn’t do anything again. It got to a point where they knew how I felt, and didn’t want to ask or bring the subject up in a home environment.
“If I started talking then obviously they’d listen and gave me whatever support they could, whenever they could. I remember being really sad and quite anxious because trampolining was such a big part of my life. My school friends knew I trampolined outside of school; I’d miss certain things because I was training, so they knew how big a part it played in who I was and what I did. But suddenly training became a place where I failed all the time; and I was worried that I was losing part of who I was and something that I loved so much.
“It was so frustrating too, because I couldn’t understand why it was happening. Thinking and visualising moves in your brain happens naturally all the time, but there were things I could do a few months earlier, and now I couldn’t. I was confused and worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a way through it.
“It was hard,” Bryony reflected, “and I don’t really remember too much about it, because I was in a place where it was on my mind a lot, but just kept going round in circles. It certainly made me a little more reserved.”
I found it quite hard to recognise the person chatting so openly and confidently, with the young athlete who was facing so many obstacles, but I have so much admiration for the way Bryony refused to give in, and somehow found the self-belief and courage to effectively learn how to jump all over again. But where did that strength come from?
The question brought a smile to Bryony’s face: “Back then, it was quite a taboo subject in the sport, but I think that people are learning a lot more about it and are able to be more open. At that time, within the trampoline community, I felt like it was a really big deal; and if you got it, everyone assumed you wouldn’t be able to get through it. People may have wondered why I didn’t give up, that it might not be safe … but I’m really stubborn!
“And I wanted to prove people wrong. I knew I had potential and I didn’t want to give up at a point when I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to … or to give up in that place of not being able to do something. Basically, I never wanted to look back later in life and think what if.
“I think that attitude came from knowing just how much excitement and enjoyment I had always got from trampolining, right from when I first started. Maybe if I hadn’t loved the sport so much, I might have felt differently, but I genuinely love it and I just had to keep going.
“Now though, I think it’s so important to share those experiences in the hope that any young gymnasts who are going through something similar can see that it’s possible to recover … and to reach your potential”
Next came one of those random questions that go a long way to proving why I don’t do this sort of thing for a living: is Bryony quite tall for a gymnast?
“Yes!”
There was then a moment of silence as if that one word was going to be the extent of the answer; but thankfully, Bryony giggled and spared me asking the follow-up question that I didn’t actually have.
“There’s really just me, Luba Golovina and Charlotte Drury who are the taller athletes in the higher level of the sport. I think we’re all about the same height; five feet eight, although there are starting to be more tall trampolinists now, which is great to see!”
From no follow-up questions, I suddenly had three. Does your height make any difference to the way you perform? Do you have to jump higher or spin faster to complete the skills? Is there perhaps an added elegance from being able to perform certain skills as a taller athlete?
“Being tall was actually a weakness when I was younger. It’s harder to spin round when you’ve got long limbs. I didn’t have much power in my skinny legs and always struggled getting the height to fit in all the skills I wanted; so this forced me to get into a really tight shape to complete my moves, which is something I’m now more known for … the looser the shape the slower you spin.”
It all sounded totally plausible to someone who’d not studied any Physics since passing an ‘O’ level in 1980, and hadn’t ventured anywhere near a trampoline since the mid-70’s…
“Now I have a little bit more strength in my legs, thank goodness, and better technique, it’s natural for me to have that really tight shape. In trampolining what you’re aiming to do is come out of your shape, kind of upside down or just before vertical and you want to hold the line to the end. When I was younger I tried to hit the exit, so I’d make a straight shape, but because my body was longer it was so obvious when I broke form, but I had to break form to bring my feet down and avoid landing on my stomach.
“Now though, if I can hold those lines it gives, like you said, an elegance, and that can help to get that extra fraction of a point from the execution judge; so I suppose it’s been a curse and a blessing!”
Much as it’s impossible to fully imagine the experiences of performing at the Olympics and standing on the podium to receive a medal, it is equally hard to appreciate just how much impact those events can have on a person’s life. How much have things changed for Bryony since Rio?
“When I went to the Games, all I wanted was to become an Olympian, strive for a medal, and achieve my potential; I didn’t give any thought to what might happen after that.
“You forget that people might have seen you on the TV, or read the results in the papers. The British gymnastics team as a whole did really well in Rio; I’d never received much media attention before and it took some time to get used to it afterwards; but I was on such a high after the Games, I was so happy, I felt indestructible and it wasn’t until those feelings calmed down a little, that I realised how much certain parts of my life had changed.
“The main things like my family and friends stayed the same, which is really important; what changed was people began contacting me, there were offers of sponsorship and all sorts of other opportunities, all of which were fantastic … just very different to everything I’d known before.
“Maybe I can explain the difference another way … I remember posting on social media after someone broke into my student house and stole my phone. Obviously I was upset and just said if anyone notices an Olympic phone being offered for sale would you let me know; and to make sure everyone was being careful and vigilant. I just didn’t want the same thing to happen to someone else; but then I got a call from the local news saying they wanted to talk to me about the robbery on the radio! Other times, something I’ve written on social media will be used used as a quote in an article without my prior knowledge; that kind of thing is so weird.
“You just feel a bit more on show I suppose, and not just at competitions. If I was just out and about and someone recognised me and realised that I was an Olympian, I’d feel like I couldn’t say anything negative or do anything controversial like eat a chocolate bar or pizza in front of them! I can almost sense them thinking ‘you’re an athlete; are you sure you’re allowed to eat that?’
“When I was at the Olympics, I looked around the athlete’s village and felt like everyone else was a superhero and I was a fraud. I remember a few days before my competition I was crying my eyes out thinking I’m not strong enough, I can’t do it; I’m finding this really difficult. But the feelings I had were just human and everyone else there was human … eating a treat is human; but I sometimes feel like I have to live up to people’s expectations and sometimes feel I fall short…”
“There again, I suppose if Usain Bolt can eat chicken nuggets before he runs,” Bryony laughed.
Did you meet him?
“No, I don’t know if he even stayed in the village; I think some of the higher profile athletes chose to stay in more private accommodation, but he was one of two people I most wanted to meet. The other was the British distance runner, Jo Pavey. Rio was her fifth Olympics; she’s a fantastic athlete, she’s a mum; she just seems so down to earth and just likes to run!
Jo Pavey is actually the only track athlete in British Olympic history to compete at five consecutive Games…
“I actually got to meet Jo after both of our events; I told her she was such an inspiration and she congratulated me on my medal. She was on her way out of the village and I asked why she was leaving. She said she’d experienced plenty of closing ceremonies and just wanted to be back with her family. She was lovely.”
Bryony had been every bit as charming and engaging as when we had met a couple of years earlier; and yet again, the time had flown by. She had given such amazing insight into so many aspects of the Olympic experience, but I also wanted to ask Bryony how she viewed women in sport.
“I think there is a difference between men and the women; the most obvious example is team sports. If you ask someone to name a footballer or rugby player, the first name is almost certain to be a male. The pay is different, the media exposure is different, the celebrity status is different; so there is a gap there.
“What I do like though is that the gap is definitely starting to close. Tennis is an amazing example. If you were to say name a tennis player, I don’t know whether people would say Roger Federer, or Andy [Murray] or Serena [Williams] … she’s an incredible role model, incredible athlete, and her career is one of the best in any sport, not just in tennis and to have such an amazing athlete as a figurehead in such a sport is amazing
“So I think you’re now starting to see more of a shift and increase in media exposure in women’s football, rugby, cricket and of course hockey after the gold medal in Rio, More reports and results are being posted online and there is good recognition at events like Sports Personality of the Year, with Dina Asher-Smith coming third last year. Success certainly brings more coverage, and if we keep achieving, people are going to want to celebrate that.”
Whatever happens to Bryony Page at Tokyo 2021 and beyond, she has already accomplished so much in her chosen sport, her achievements being all the more remarkable because of the hardship she had to overcome just to earn the opportunity to compete at an Olympic Games, let alone return home with a medal.
She is a warm and disarming young woman, but also fiercely competitive and our conversation ended with an agreement to face each other in an archery challenge as soon as Olympic commitments and Covid restrictions allow. The challenge was accepted … my legendary half in rudi out pike can wait for another day.
© Richard Kirby and Bryony Page 2020
To that end, I decided to combine passions for mental health, writing and women’s sport to see if I could carry out a series of interviews with people who have been or are involved in elite women’s sport - the stories, the memories, the highs and lows; and of course the mental aspects of a life in sport. This is the first of hopefully 20 or so articles from November 2020 through to the end of 2021; I hope you will enjoy reading them…
Ever since I was a child, I have been fascinated by the Olympic Games; the variety of events, the athletes, the stories. From watching my parents’ grainy black and white television set and seeing David Hemery race to 400 metre hurdle gold in Mexico City in 1968, I was hooked; and that sense of wonder at the sporting brilliance on show has never really left me.
For reasons that need no elaboration, the most recent Games took place in Rio back in 2016, and for me, there were two moments in particular that stood out … and also reduced me to tears (and both still do if the truth be told).
The first was the gold medal won by the ladies hockey squad. Pure sporting theatre that ended in the most dramatic way, as Holly Webb found the net to win the shoot-out against the Netherlands and spark some truly amazing celebrations. The other was Bryony Page’s silver medal in the trampoline, a sport about which I knew very little; but the event was simply captivating as Bryony produced one of the performances of her life, followed by such an outpouring of emotion as first a bronze, then silver medal was assured, that I was little more than a wimpering wreck in front of my now much less grainy flat screen colour television.
Meeting a medallist from the Rio Olympics was one of the challenges I mentioned earlier. To be fair, there were plenty of people from which to choose, as Team GB enjoyed a hugely successful Games; but having been lucky enough to have already met four members of the hockey squad in 2014, Bryony was the name right at the top of the list…
I wrote to British Gymnastics more in hope than expectation, but I not only received a personal reply from Bryony; she also agreed to meet up. That meeting eventually took place in Sheffield during January 2018. Bryony was fantastic company; and I was so pleased when Bryony agreed to catch up again, and for our conversation to form the basis for what follows.
The first port of call just had to be Rio.
Having qualified for the final (alongside her Team GB team mate Kat Driscoll), Bryony, who was 25 at the time, walked out into the packed arena, knowing that she would have roughly 20 seconds to showcase years of training. That kind of pressure is something most people never get to experience, but how did Bryony manage her feelings in such unique circumstances.
“I must say that in Rio, I was the strongest mentally that I’ve ever been for a competition,” she explained, “and physically and technically too. You train to peak for an Olympic Games, so once I was actually there, things felt a lot easier and on the few occasions when my mind started to wander and I had those kinds of thoughts, I was able recognise what was happening, refocus and move on. It’s certainly something that has happened before though, and whenever I begin to feel the pressure, I’d try to concentrate on the technical side of my performance, and how I wanted my routine to feel on the trampoline.”
I could understand how particular techniques would work in certain situations, but this was an Olympic final … quite simply the pinnacle for any athlete in any sport; so presumably natural mental strength had been somehow reinforced and developed?
“Absolutely. I have psychological support; we work through the mental aspects of the performance, and the technical coach is also able to help with the mental side of the sport too.
“When I was younger I didn’t have that kind of training or support; basically, it was the coach’s responsibility to make sure the athletes were ready to compete, but for me I’ve always loved trampolining and entering competitions; it’s the place where I can show off everything I’ve been doing in training. So as long as training’s been going well and I feel ready, the competition gives me something to challenge and strive for … especially if there’s an audience; I really enjoy that side of things!
“As a senior athlete, that psychological support is really important though. I am a funded athlete, and as such I have to hit high-enough scores to be selected for certain competitions, or be better than I was last year to keep progressing and secure that ongoing financial support, and all the sport-specific support we get from being on the Great Britain Trampoline programme, including a sports psychologist. That is a completely different kind of pressure, but something I needed to deal with, because in Rio, everything was geared up to producing my best performance. So really, whilst obviously being the pinnacle of our sport, the Olympics presented a unique set of challenges, I honestly think it’s fair to say that for me, the real pressure was all in the qualifying competitions before the Games, because I had such an intense desire to compete at an Olympics.”
It was fascinating to hear that there was actually an underlying level of excitement at the prospect of performing in front of such a massive worldwide audience. Did that present a different challenge; controlling or balancing that anticipation with the importance of staying disciplined and focussing on the best possible execution?
“Yes, I definitely had to hold back on my emotions after walking out into the arena in Rio. What I really wanted to do was experience the Olympics, be in the moment, take in the crowd and the he fact I was at an Olympic Games; so I had prepared to allow myself to be able to rein in any emotion and focus when I needed to. I’d decided beforehand how long I’d have to prepare for the competition, which was essentially just a few moments before it was my turn to compete. I’d qualified seventh and the final is in reverse order so I was actually second to perform.
“Because we recognised the first target was to reach the final, I knew I’d enjoy the final more, because the worst you can finish is eighth; and you have to give absolutely everything you can to fight for the top three. The prelim is all about doing your routine well enough to make the final; but then it’s about giving your very best, which I actually find a lot easier.
“So marching out it was: ‘Wow, I’m becoming an Olympian, this is an amazing experience, I’m here, I’ve made it’; but as soon as I’m on the trampoline, I knew I’d be totally ready to present and start jumping. It’s just excitement, pride, and pretty much every emotion you can imagine, but they were all feelings I had to contain, and I suppose that’s why there was such a release afterwards. I’d done everything I could and I was finally able to let go of everything I’d been holding in.”
Bryony’s performance was rewarded with a score of 56.040, a combination of points awarded for difficulty, execution and flight. Her score was far better than the Georgian athlete who had opened the final, the next girl unfortunately fell, and Britain’s Kat Driscoll was unable to challenge the lead. The first of two Chinese competitors was half a point behind Bryony, before Canada’s reigning Olympic champion Rosie MacLennan’s superb routine saw her take the lead.
Bryony was now in the silver medal position, with only two left to jump: Li Dan of China, and Tatsiana Piatrenia from Belarus, who had qualified for the final second and first respectively; and the horrible possibility of finishing fourth was unsurprisingly very much at the forefront of Bryony’s thoughts – and she chuckled at the memory!
The commentators seemed to think Li Dan had possibly jumped herself into first place, but the score of 55.885, whilst good enough for bronze, meant that nothing could deny Bryony a podium finish.
Bryony Page was an Olympic medallist.
The television pictures captured the moment of realisation, and I don’t think I have the words to do justice to Bryony’s reaction. It must also be incredibly difficult to put such emotion, such happiness into words; but I asked Bryony anyway…
“It’s a one-off feeling,” Bryony admitted.
“I think in the last four years, there have only been two occasions when the reality of everything that happened in Rio has really sunk in to the point that I felt very emotional, just thinking that I’d managed to go to the Olympics and won a silver medal [Piatrenia finished fourth]. I’d put in all that hard work, accomplished everything I’d set out to achieve and had the chance to experience such a special moment. For the rest of the time, it’s almost felt like it happened to someone else, or it was a dream. I can have elements of those feelings and they’re still very strong, but I don’t think you could ever recreate how I felt in that moment; all those emotions, all at once, only ten times stronger than anything I’d ever felt before. I felt like the strength of my emotions was radiating out of me and filled the whole of the arena!”
In the years, leading up to Rio, Bryony had enjoyed plenty of success, including three consecutive British titles and team golds in European and World Championships. However, what made those achievements, and particularly the Olympic medal so remarkable, is that Bryony had fought a lengthy battle against a psychological condition called ‘Lost Move Syndrome’ – in short, the loss of the ability to perform skills or moves that would previously have been completed almost automatically.
When did Bryony realise that something wasn’t quite right?
“When I first began to experience symptoms, it would have been around 2007 to 2008, but it just lasted for so many years on and off; I think I got my final skills back somewhere around 2011 or 2013. I still deal with it on occasions, albeit on a much smaller scale and for only fleeting moments in comparison; but because I’ve gone through it, I’ve learned techniques to deal with any feelings or symptoms.
“It never disappears completely. I’ll have many sessions when everything’s fine and I don’t get that sense of not being able to take off; but every now and then something will trigger a memory. I pick up on it very quickly, I’ll be able to explain how I’m feeling, and I know it’ll be fine; but it’s just something that’s part of the sport … that element of fear.
“What you do on a trampoline is unnatural in many ways and can be quite scary and dangerous, and has to be done right and with confidence; so if in your mind, you can’t quite visualise the skill, or are doubting your ability, it’s then very difficult to take off for it!”
At this point, I told Bryony about my own experience as an amateur cricketer of nominal repute and ability. I’d been a reasonable schoolboy bowler, certainly pretty confident in my mid-teens and I was fortunate enough to be offered a trial for the North of England when I was around 17. Probably for the first time, I was amongst a group of talented players that I didn’t know; and at the initial net session, I ran up and my first ball hit the roof of the net. My second delivery bounced twice, and in those few moments, every ounce of self-belief and confidence disappeared. All I could think about was what if it happens again? Will I make a fool of myself? Will people laugh at me?
Bryony listened intently, quite a rare occurrence for of my cricketing stories; I would never suggest there was any comparison between our respective abilities, but there did seem to be some connection in the way, or the extent, that the mind could affect performance.
“What you are saying actually relates really well to what I went through with Lost Move Syndrome,” Bryony replied. “I suppose the doubt first crept in after I’d been training with some other athletes, juniors that were transitioning into the senior men’s programme. One of them said learning the ‘triff’ [triple somersault] had affected him to the point where he’d lost most of his other skills. My immediate thought was I don’t want to learn triples!
“So when it came to the point when learning triffs was the next progression in what I was doing on the trampoline, I remember saying no, no I don’t want to. Eventually we reached a point where I said I wanted to learn, but in the back of my mind, there was still that thought that triples would cause me to lose my skills.
“The first time something went wrong, not even with the triff, I instantly thought that I was starting to lose my skills. I’d make a little mistake and I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing on the trampoline – yet mistakes are always going to happen when you’re learning something new.
“I remember going to a schools competition, and my routine was going to include a half in rudi out pike…”
Obviously I knew exactly what the move entailed, but asked Bryony to explain – just for the article…
From her room at Lilleshall where she had been training, Bryony laughed: “Basically you do a half twist to face the other way, then go forwards two times, and on the last somersault you do one and a half twists to face back the way you started.”
Just how I remembered it…
“I had been working on this new skill, and this competition was a good place to introduce the move; but I found I was performing on a trampoline where it was quite hard to get height, and it went wrong. I took off and got completely lost where I was in the air, didn’t know how or where I was going to land; didn’t even know what skill I’d just done.
“It was in front of a crowd, out of my normal surroundings, with different coaches, and it’s quite obvious to anyone watching when someone doesn’t know where they are in the air; so there was a collective intake of breath from the crowd … which I heard. It was scary, because I thought if the crowd is making that noise, I must have done something really bad or dangerous.
“Looking back, it wasn’t dangerous, because my body knew how to save itself, but it was still scary.
“I couldn’t just leave it after the move had gone wrong though; I had to do it again. But the same thing happened.
“I replaced the skill with an easier one for the competition, but called my coach afterwards to say I felt I needed to get into the gym as soon as possible to complete the skill in training, in a safer environment, before I got too scared to try it again. I went in the gym and was able to do the move perfectly well, but what happened was that the mistakes and fear transferred to another skill, and then another; and it just became that spiral.
“At this point I was physically capable of doing the triples, but mentally I wasn’t even able to do a barani, which is a front somersault with a half twist. Just one somersault and one half twist … and I couldn’t do it. I just wouldn’t take off.
“So at first it was a fear of something going wrong, making a mistake and injuring myself; but eventually it got to the point that I feared failure, like you mentioned, scared of making a fool of yourself; and I’d feel ashamed, embarrassed and disappointed in myself if I wasn’t able to take off for a skill. I was more scared about that happening than the skill itself.
“One part of your brain is saying ‘I’m going to take off’, but another part stops you. Your heart races and you feel so embarrassed – and that was in a safe training environment, so when it came to competitions, it was even harder.
“It sounds weird, but I can almost trace everything back to hearing a story.”
I wondered if the stress that must have been caused by the situation affected Bryony away from the trampoline.
“There were times I’d come back from training and my parents would ask how it went, and I’d have to say I couldn’t do anything again. It got to a point where they knew how I felt, and didn’t want to ask or bring the subject up in a home environment.
“If I started talking then obviously they’d listen and gave me whatever support they could, whenever they could. I remember being really sad and quite anxious because trampolining was such a big part of my life. My school friends knew I trampolined outside of school; I’d miss certain things because I was training, so they knew how big a part it played in who I was and what I did. But suddenly training became a place where I failed all the time; and I was worried that I was losing part of who I was and something that I loved so much.
“It was so frustrating too, because I couldn’t understand why it was happening. Thinking and visualising moves in your brain happens naturally all the time, but there were things I could do a few months earlier, and now I couldn’t. I was confused and worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a way through it.
“It was hard,” Bryony reflected, “and I don’t really remember too much about it, because I was in a place where it was on my mind a lot, but just kept going round in circles. It certainly made me a little more reserved.”
I found it quite hard to recognise the person chatting so openly and confidently, with the young athlete who was facing so many obstacles, but I have so much admiration for the way Bryony refused to give in, and somehow found the self-belief and courage to effectively learn how to jump all over again. But where did that strength come from?
The question brought a smile to Bryony’s face: “Back then, it was quite a taboo subject in the sport, but I think that people are learning a lot more about it and are able to be more open. At that time, within the trampoline community, I felt like it was a really big deal; and if you got it, everyone assumed you wouldn’t be able to get through it. People may have wondered why I didn’t give up, that it might not be safe … but I’m really stubborn!
“And I wanted to prove people wrong. I knew I had potential and I didn’t want to give up at a point when I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to … or to give up in that place of not being able to do something. Basically, I never wanted to look back later in life and think what if.
“I think that attitude came from knowing just how much excitement and enjoyment I had always got from trampolining, right from when I first started. Maybe if I hadn’t loved the sport so much, I might have felt differently, but I genuinely love it and I just had to keep going.
“Now though, I think it’s so important to share those experiences in the hope that any young gymnasts who are going through something similar can see that it’s possible to recover … and to reach your potential”
Next came one of those random questions that go a long way to proving why I don’t do this sort of thing for a living: is Bryony quite tall for a gymnast?
“Yes!”
There was then a moment of silence as if that one word was going to be the extent of the answer; but thankfully, Bryony giggled and spared me asking the follow-up question that I didn’t actually have.
“There’s really just me, Luba Golovina and Charlotte Drury who are the taller athletes in the higher level of the sport. I think we’re all about the same height; five feet eight, although there are starting to be more tall trampolinists now, which is great to see!”
From no follow-up questions, I suddenly had three. Does your height make any difference to the way you perform? Do you have to jump higher or spin faster to complete the skills? Is there perhaps an added elegance from being able to perform certain skills as a taller athlete?
“Being tall was actually a weakness when I was younger. It’s harder to spin round when you’ve got long limbs. I didn’t have much power in my skinny legs and always struggled getting the height to fit in all the skills I wanted; so this forced me to get into a really tight shape to complete my moves, which is something I’m now more known for … the looser the shape the slower you spin.”
It all sounded totally plausible to someone who’d not studied any Physics since passing an ‘O’ level in 1980, and hadn’t ventured anywhere near a trampoline since the mid-70’s…
“Now I have a little bit more strength in my legs, thank goodness, and better technique, it’s natural for me to have that really tight shape. In trampolining what you’re aiming to do is come out of your shape, kind of upside down or just before vertical and you want to hold the line to the end. When I was younger I tried to hit the exit, so I’d make a straight shape, but because my body was longer it was so obvious when I broke form, but I had to break form to bring my feet down and avoid landing on my stomach.
“Now though, if I can hold those lines it gives, like you said, an elegance, and that can help to get that extra fraction of a point from the execution judge; so I suppose it’s been a curse and a blessing!”
Much as it’s impossible to fully imagine the experiences of performing at the Olympics and standing on the podium to receive a medal, it is equally hard to appreciate just how much impact those events can have on a person’s life. How much have things changed for Bryony since Rio?
“When I went to the Games, all I wanted was to become an Olympian, strive for a medal, and achieve my potential; I didn’t give any thought to what might happen after that.
“You forget that people might have seen you on the TV, or read the results in the papers. The British gymnastics team as a whole did really well in Rio; I’d never received much media attention before and it took some time to get used to it afterwards; but I was on such a high after the Games, I was so happy, I felt indestructible and it wasn’t until those feelings calmed down a little, that I realised how much certain parts of my life had changed.
“The main things like my family and friends stayed the same, which is really important; what changed was people began contacting me, there were offers of sponsorship and all sorts of other opportunities, all of which were fantastic … just very different to everything I’d known before.
“Maybe I can explain the difference another way … I remember posting on social media after someone broke into my student house and stole my phone. Obviously I was upset and just said if anyone notices an Olympic phone being offered for sale would you let me know; and to make sure everyone was being careful and vigilant. I just didn’t want the same thing to happen to someone else; but then I got a call from the local news saying they wanted to talk to me about the robbery on the radio! Other times, something I’ve written on social media will be used used as a quote in an article without my prior knowledge; that kind of thing is so weird.
“You just feel a bit more on show I suppose, and not just at competitions. If I was just out and about and someone recognised me and realised that I was an Olympian, I’d feel like I couldn’t say anything negative or do anything controversial like eat a chocolate bar or pizza in front of them! I can almost sense them thinking ‘you’re an athlete; are you sure you’re allowed to eat that?’
“When I was at the Olympics, I looked around the athlete’s village and felt like everyone else was a superhero and I was a fraud. I remember a few days before my competition I was crying my eyes out thinking I’m not strong enough, I can’t do it; I’m finding this really difficult. But the feelings I had were just human and everyone else there was human … eating a treat is human; but I sometimes feel like I have to live up to people’s expectations and sometimes feel I fall short…”
“There again, I suppose if Usain Bolt can eat chicken nuggets before he runs,” Bryony laughed.
Did you meet him?
“No, I don’t know if he even stayed in the village; I think some of the higher profile athletes chose to stay in more private accommodation, but he was one of two people I most wanted to meet. The other was the British distance runner, Jo Pavey. Rio was her fifth Olympics; she’s a fantastic athlete, she’s a mum; she just seems so down to earth and just likes to run!
Jo Pavey is actually the only track athlete in British Olympic history to compete at five consecutive Games…
“I actually got to meet Jo after both of our events; I told her she was such an inspiration and she congratulated me on my medal. She was on her way out of the village and I asked why she was leaving. She said she’d experienced plenty of closing ceremonies and just wanted to be back with her family. She was lovely.”
Bryony had been every bit as charming and engaging as when we had met a couple of years earlier; and yet again, the time had flown by. She had given such amazing insight into so many aspects of the Olympic experience, but I also wanted to ask Bryony how she viewed women in sport.
“I think there is a difference between men and the women; the most obvious example is team sports. If you ask someone to name a footballer or rugby player, the first name is almost certain to be a male. The pay is different, the media exposure is different, the celebrity status is different; so there is a gap there.
“What I do like though is that the gap is definitely starting to close. Tennis is an amazing example. If you were to say name a tennis player, I don’t know whether people would say Roger Federer, or Andy [Murray] or Serena [Williams] … she’s an incredible role model, incredible athlete, and her career is one of the best in any sport, not just in tennis and to have such an amazing athlete as a figurehead in such a sport is amazing
“So I think you’re now starting to see more of a shift and increase in media exposure in women’s football, rugby, cricket and of course hockey after the gold medal in Rio, More reports and results are being posted online and there is good recognition at events like Sports Personality of the Year, with Dina Asher-Smith coming third last year. Success certainly brings more coverage, and if we keep achieving, people are going to want to celebrate that.”
Whatever happens to Bryony Page at Tokyo 2021 and beyond, she has already accomplished so much in her chosen sport, her achievements being all the more remarkable because of the hardship she had to overcome just to earn the opportunity to compete at an Olympic Games, let alone return home with a medal.
She is a warm and disarming young woman, but also fiercely competitive and our conversation ended with an agreement to face each other in an archery challenge as soon as Olympic commitments and Covid restrictions allow. The challenge was accepted … my legendary half in rudi out pike can wait for another day.
© Richard Kirby and Bryony Page 2020