Maybe if I imagine I’m simply telling a story, it will be easier.
But it isn’t just a story, it is my story … it is my life, and the feelings I am reliving are real: unexplained profound sadness, moments of loneliness and despair all wrapped up in a mixture of frustration and anger at what I perceive to be my lifelong inability to deal with certain situations, people, or emotions.
And now I’m “having to” explain my weakness and my failings – in way too much detail.
There have been times that I have resented being put in this position – even though I actually put myself there in the first place. Book writing is a process. That’s all: a process … a “means to an end”. Just keep telling yourself…
Why can’t you be stronger? Colder? Tougher..?
Actually, do you have to tell your story at all?
Would anyone actually care if you didn’t tell your story?
So why put yourself through this..?
The answer..? The answer lies in the mirror…
Just do what you’ve always done; look at yourself in the mirror, in any mirror – in every mirror.
Go on … look!
That darkness behind your eyes. You know that if you stare hard enough and long enough, you can actually see it. It was there when you were at school, at college, at work, at home. It was there when you were 15, it was there when you were 50…
The darkness that convinces you that you’re no one special.
You’ve never been anyone special.
And you won’t suddenly become special when you’ve told your story.
So why tell it…?
Because not everyone sees you the way you see yourself.
There are people who can see past the face that you present to the world. They somehow see through the darkness to that elusive glimmer of light you fight so hard to reach. They believe in you, they have faith in you … they care for you, they love you…
So you’re telling your story for them...
And if just one person you don’t know sees their reflection in your story and somehow finds the courage to reach out … to talk … to ask for help; then maybe, just maybe you will stare into the mirror one day, and see that glimmer of light for yourself.