First things first and one of those “oh no, here he goes again” blogs. Notwithstanding how events unfolded, this holiday was always going to be important for us. As the work restructure that has been hanging over us for two years finally gathers pace, the likelihood of my role actually existing in six months time would appear remote. What has happened so far has been a real shock and much as I love my job – one that I believe I do very well – I have to be realistic and look to the future: the next chapter of my life with Elaine.
The relief she/we felt when getting the all-clear following a recent health scare put so many things into instant perspective. I turn fifty next year and much as we think we’re immortal, the fact is that time is always going to catch up with us in the end. Like everyone, I have unfulfilled dreams and ambitions, but I suppose I lack the courage (if bravery can be measured in pounds, shillings and pence) to take a step so big, it would amount to a leap of faith.
But maybe now is the time to start having some faith – in myself?
When I reached forty, my life was in disarray. I had so wanted to have the stability that, outwardly at least, every other family enjoyed, but what should have been a milestone to celebrate, arguably set the wheels in motion for a protracted period of emotional change and self-discovery that might be deemed empowering in hindsight, but in reality was tough beyond any words I possess.
I have learned lessons – many “the hard way”, but the end result is a faith in the truly important aspects of my life that can no longer be belied by those dark moments. Elaine and I fought so hard to be together and being able to share her life is wonderful on a daily basis, and whilst I may not have numerous close friends and family, those closest to me have made such a difference – I consider myself very lucky.
Past and recent events have therefore given me the desire and determination to make changes to my life in the remaining months before I reach my half century. They may range from the readily achievable (such as losing weight), to the daunting (that change of career perhaps?), but whilst the outcome(s)cannot be guaranteed, that’s absolutely no reason for me not to try…