With Elaine on another late shift, I’ve spent a fair bit of the past two days on my own in the house—not something I particularly enjoy. I don’t mind my own company (well…), but I think a combination of “life experience” and an enduring ability to think too much can occasionally make being “home alone” slightly less relaxing than it should be.
In a previous life, various things happened that resulted in me finding it almost impossible to answer the door or pick up the phone because I always expected something bad to happen (because it often did…). The first ring of the phone and my heart would just start to race and it actually took several years of being with Elaine before the unseen wouldn’t panic me.
In just over a fortnight, Elaine and I will have been together for seven years—I honestly didn’t think I’d ever truly understand what words like “happy”, “trust” and the old indefinable “love” actually felt like. In my head, I didn’t deserve to find out, but Elaine must have seen something I couldn’t see in myself and as 10th July (our anniversary) draws closer, I instinctively start to remember how incredibly hard we fought to be together and how much I owe Elaine for believing in someone who felt he had very little to offer.
I do still dwell on negative things when I have too much time on my own—and yes I know that I shouldn’t, but I am far more aware of how my mind works, and I also know which music not to listen to! The fact is that every day starts and ends with the person who changed my life for the better and that is something I don’t ever forget.
In amongst it all, Elaine gave me the encouragement to write and the prospect of becoming a published (as opposed to self-published) author is one more thing I don’t think would have ever happened had Elaine and I never met. I have also been able to commit personal thoughts and feelings to paper (or its electronic equivalent) and that has certainly helped me come to terms with what many people would call “demons”. It’s not so much the fact that others read my blogs, it’s more the slightly selfish act of the release, but much as I’m a stronger person than I was a decade ago, I realise only too well the main reason why...
I love you Elaine... hurry home xxx
All my own work... almost.